The HE Bullshit Dictionary

Here’s a list of things that, when I hear or read them, make me say rude words. Enjoy.

We only use 10% of our brain

Citing this as evidence would suggest you are using significantly less than 10% of your brain. There’s no evidence. Any company that claims their tech will help to unlock the rest of the brain has been rolling in cow excrement.

Blue sky – Marcus Elliott

When the apocalypse comes, the skies will be red, but it won’t matter because you’ll be dead. First.

They’re just ideas mate.

Change Agent – Marcus Elliott

Saying you’re an Agent of SHIELD doesn’t make you a superhero. Saying you’re a change agent just makes it sound like you work in the booth at an amusement arcade (incidentally, one of life’s real superheroes)

It doesn’t empower anyone.

Customer – Marcus Elliott

If you think that HE should have ‘customers’ then maybe you need to head to the private sector where money rules. Do not pass go. Do not take £200 (just as a kicker).

Education is not a transaction. It’s a privilege.

Delivering Learning – Phil Barker

I hope they have Amazon Prime, I like the convenience.

Digital – Lawrie Phipps

Making something digital does not make it big or clever.

Digital Natives and Immigrants

Oh, come on.

Disrupt

It’s either just an organic change or improvement, or you’re being a pain in the arse. You choose. Marcus Elliott

Buzzword city.

e- words – Viv Rolfe 

Think elearning, eassessment, eeducation et al. Mate, it’s just learning, assessment and education. Sticking a computer into the process doesn’t make it better or special.

Engagement

What is that? Define it for me. How shall I measure it? Oh, you don’t know, then don’t tell me X increases engagement. Let’s slap it all over our strategy and marketing materials though.

Employability

Yer ’cause whether you’re desirable for a job can be boiled down to simplistic measures.

Framework

Well done, you wrote some stuff down.

Future Ready – David Honeybone

When is the future? How should I ready myself? I’ve always been of the belief that everything will stay exactly the same forever so I hadn’t prepared. WON’T SOMEONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN?!??

Futurist – Lorna Campbell

Generation X, Y, Z (and every other letter of the alphabet yet to be ruined)

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Homogenising groups of people to sell products is not helpful. NEWSFLASH not everyone is the same.

Innovation

Just what? See Engagement.

Learning Styles

REALLY? I can’t even be bothered to explain myself. Just no.

Management diagrams – Viv Rolfe

Might I add a section on management diagrams? Anything with hexagons?

Yes, Marcus, it is.

Millenials (and all other ‘ials’)

See Generation X, Y, Z. One of the most irritating and insulting phrases of recent years.

Although, I’ve been toying with the idea that anyone born during WW2 should be called “Blitzkriegians”, categorised by an aversion to Hitler, quick reactions to air raid sirens and knowing all the words to Vera Lynn’s “We’ll Meet Again”. Ridiculous right? A bit insulting yer? SO STOP IT.

Models – Marcus Elliott

Aka

REMOVED Paradigm – Lawrie Phipps

Paradigm has been saved!

Obviously, there are genuine times when the word paradigm is rightly used.

Paradigm Shift

Nor have I but apparently one will be happening real soon.

Serious Experiment – Anne-Marie Scott

Like experimenting, but with all the joy and light in the world sucked right out of it. Serious experiments can only be carried out wearing grey protective clothing.

Serious Play – Marcus Elliott

Does that mean some play is ‘not serious’? I’ve shed blood over lego. And, why the hell does learning and education need to be serious? Maybe that’s why people don’t engage.

Its just play, mate. Juxtaposition doesn’t make it clever.

Skill, Skillset et al. – Marcus Elliott & Viv Rolfe

When Liam Neeson said he had a ‘particular set of skills’ in the film Taken, he was so damn cool. When you say skillset, you sound like a prat. Skills are not like Pokemon, you don’t collect them then sell the complete Skillset on ebay

More ultimately meaningless words. That I feel should always be spelt “skillz” because “I haz mad skillz”.

Step-change – Joel Mills

But how do we say the change was significant? WON’T SOMEBODY THINK OF THE CHILDREN?

The student experience – Anne-Marie Scott

No arguments that students should have an enjoyable and worthwhile time at uni, but can you define for me in less than 1 page what “the student experience” is?

I think Anne-Marie needs to be a bit more of a thought leader.

Thought leader – Marcus Elliott

Trotted out when management want Innovation (the rehashing of an old concept with a fancy new name) and decide to outsource to an evangelical ‘expert’.

Thought leaders sound like they should be running cults. And they always die during the FBI sieges.

Asking for better thoughts doesn’t really work.

You are Right or left brained

Nope. You’re not using either side.

To conclude.

Do not be insulted if you have ever used the phrases listed. We’ve all done it. But I would suggest you take some time to reflect on your life.

Add your dictionary entries to the list in the comments!

 

4 thoughts on “The HE Bullshit Dictionary

  1. Customer

    If you think that HE should have ‘customers’ then maybe you need to head to the private sector where money rules. Do not pass go. Do not take £200 (just as a kicker)

  2. Thought leader

    Trotted out when management want Innovation (the rehashing of an old concept with a fancy new name) and decide to outsource to an evangelical ‘expert’.

    Thought leaders sound like they should be running cults. And they always die during the FBI sieges.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *